Dr. Berman Video

We had the opportunity to watch 3 couples go through an intimate journey in Dr. Berman's sex therapy clinic through a video in class this past week. I was particularly impressed with some of her therapeutic skills, which showed some compassionate validation and great cheer leading when appropriate. I also heard her use some solution-focused questions and implement some really creative strategies for each of the couples' individual needs. She did a great job of using exception questions to focus on when and how the problem was occurring, and on normalizing behaviors and responses that the couples felt were abnormal. One really great outcome I noticed for the third couple was that they reported better communication overall in their relationship after working specifically with Dr. Berman on their communication in the bedroom.

However, there were some elements of Dr. Berman's practices that I did not agree with as much, including the fact that she still seemed to take a biological stance to approaching human sexuality. This may be due to her joint work with her sister, but it seemed somewhat contrary to the way we have been learning to approach sexuality from a therapeutic lens. Additionally, many of the treatments and interventions she implemented were treating arousal and not desire, which is not what the women were concerned about. These interventions included the couples games and activities she assigned for the couples to do at night, and in particular, the assignment for the youngest couple to go home and kiss each other, when they were clearly experiencing underlying relationship issues as evidenced by their reported fighting at least twice a day. On the same note, the oldest couple still left the clinic with the wife given a prescription for hormone treatments, which seems to undermine all of the relational work they did during their week-long stay. In sum, I thought Dr. Berman showed some great therapy skills when she interviewed the couples but fell short in being able to implement interventions that will likely lead to lasting change.

The Feminist Critique

The feminist movement has been a big driver in expanding research about women and sex. We have been able to see numerous studies about female sexuality, the female orgasm, arousal and desire in women, and female-specific disorders. Leonore Tiefer mentions the feminist critique in her book as an argument against some of the ways sex has been looked at in the past, saying that women were largely left out of the equation. Upon reading this, I became confused and wondered how Tiefer could imply that all women did not fit into the model of sex that was being studied, but that in general, men did. This idea implies that we can make generalizations about the way men think and feel about sex but not about the way women perceive sex. One of the main themes of these generalizations is the idea that men are not as concerned about emotions and drivers of intimacy as women are.

This got me thinking about how everyone is different in every way, which is one of the themes of postmodern thinkers we have been learning about in other classes. Based on this idea, I think a more appropriate approach to sex and sex therapy would be based on the assumption that every person is experiencing their own set of circumstances biologically, psychologically, and socially. Additionally, everyone should be treated the same when receiving therapy for sexual problems, in that there should be no assumption and no standard so anything can be considered "normal".

I was pleased to see that the Sex Principles and Practices book immediately addressed both female and male issues and gave biological, psychological, and social treatment options. This book seemed like it was written without making as many generalizations about what males or females might be looking for out of sex therapy and emphasized partner work. So, I suppose what I am trying to say in all this is that the feminist movement, while greatly empowering women, overlooked the importance of equality for all. Essentially, this is a critique of the feminist critique* of sex therapy. 

*Not a critique of feminism! Go feminists!

Endpoint

As Valentines Day winds down and people get back into their regular relationship routines, I got to thinking about a topic that I have thought about many times before. I thought about how I always see people doing grand gestures and buying expensive gifts for their partners, but it seems like there are usually strings attached. Many people are made to feel that if they don't "put out" on Valentine's day they are not showing appreciation for their partner's gifts. Since when does sex mean showing appreciation? My main issue with this whole scenario is that people are using this whole holiday- a holiday created for people to dote on each other and recognize how lucky they are- to get to sex. What about the rest of the day? What about all of the fun activities and the lovely dinner and the expensive gifts? How pure can the enjoyment of those elements be when there is an expectation for sex? Can all of those things be just as good if there is no sex at the end?

In thinking about this idea, I related it to something else I've been thinking about as I've been reading the Tiefer book and as we watched the Orgasm movie. The movie made a mention of an "endpoint", which immediately got me thinking about how the entire pharmaceutical industry is concerned with the endpoint- the orgasm. But what about the rest of the experience? While we were reading Tiefer I also felt that something was amiss. She had many great arguments for why women are overlooked by sex researchers and why biological reductionism is too simple, but she didn't really talk about refocusing people on enjoying the whole experience rather than the end. As a goal-oriented culture, it makes sense that our society looks for a concrete, measureable endpoint, but sex is more than a means to an end. I think people should be more concerned with enjoying the ride.

Bio

Bio:

I decided to pursue couples and family therapy because I am very interested in couples communication and relationship dynamics. I am very interested in emotional intimacy and how that affects relationships, and many other facets of relationships. I am not as interested in working with children because I am not so comfortable with the parenting aspect, but I hope to be able to grow in that area. In the past I have been involved with teen sexual abuse prevention and research on couples who were at risk for abuse. I hope that through this course I will be able to learn more about an aspect of people that was very privatized in my upbringing. I was raised in a religious community so it was extremely uncommon for families to discuss sex, as it was seen as something that should be saved exclusively for marriage. I am excited to discover more about peoples’ attitudes towards sex and about how my experiences have shaped the way I think about it.